He Who Smelt it Dealt With It
on February 25, 2016
at 12:00 am
I was originally going to try writing a greeting card that would help someone apologize for having horrific gas, but decided it would be funnier if the main bug just threw a card towards an incapacitated girl bug.
I am curious, however, if any of you can come up with any apologetic card ideas.
“Gas will pass, but our love is forever.
Get well soon!”
Winner!
Second!
My gas hurt nobody till
You collapsed in a knot
I assure you i’m not
A bombardier beetle.
Get well soon!
or:
I’m sorry you had to find out that way about my powers.
This is why we can’t be together, my enemies would use you against me.
Get well soon.
with or without the Lockheed Electra?
What a bad (g)ass strip!
“You smelt it, but I felt it :c”
“Asses to Gasses…”
I spent all this time Arting,
To apologize for farting.
Runner up.
I’ve created a terrible zone
that belongs in the porcelain throne
I see your hair parted
(I’m sorry I farted!)
May the wind at your back be your own
Best. Limerick. Ever.
… yeah, I have.
Mind you, our cat Nora is worse. She’s lactose-intolerant, the way that many, probably most, housecats are, and, one day, she found our Costco-sized box of packets of powdered milk, and ate most of it.
We saw her backing out of the bathroom where the litterbox is, with a sort of horrified body language. Then she ran and hid. Then we saw our other cat walk down the hall past the bathroom, jump backward with his tail all poofed, then ran away.
Then the smell drifted into the front room where we were.
We had to leave the house.
Tiny, tiny cat.
Very, very large stench.
The other problem is that there isn’t warning, because cats have no butt-cheeks.
Somewhere in this narrative, there is either a National Geographic animal story or a Spielberg horror story: “Gassy Cats”, with lots of fainting and explosions.
Forget Spielberg, that nightmare has Stephen King written all over it.
I think Friends had an episode containing a song about “Smelly Cat” by Phoebe Buffay.
The thing I wonder now is… is that Nora on your shoulder? Because in my family, we always say that a gobblin hopped down from our shoulder… tiny, tiny goblin…
No, that one is Nicky. We got them from the shelter the same day; they’re from different litters, but, at this point, as far as they know, they’re siblings. Which means that they spend one third of the time snuggled together and/or playing, one third fighting, and one third pointedly ignoring each other.
Just like human siblings.
I once let one go that caused my dog to give me a look of horror and caused her to run away and hid UNDER a blanket in her bed.
Yeah… I never could get the smell out of that car. My Insurance Agent agreed it was a total loss.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
My fart is nothing
at all without you.
Hallmark this ain’t!
And from the dept. of “can’t make this shit up” – air biscuits caused a shoot-out in Spain:
http://www.theregister.co.uk/2016/02/25/spanish_shoot_out/
wow
Such gasses are known as doberman farts (they attack their owners)
Nose hairs combusting.
Did Bombay toilet explode?
Silent but deadly
ah, haiku! <3
Not so much for me. Mine always have an earthy smell, less poopy
Although one day when I got on a bus, everyone else was seated and I passed through someone`s claymore fart. I wondered how long ago did they drop that air biscuit, was it on the verge of achieving sentience
And what did they eat… never mind,. it was indian food
Oh… another thing I just recently learned.
See, I’m cutting down on calories, so I’m trying to learn how to cook with various sugar substitutes. I bought isomalt, maltodextrin, all sorts of various sugar alcohols and other chemicals and stuff.
And after I stocked up and started searching the Internet for how to use the various things, I discovered something that I should have either figured out from science and logic, or at least NOTICED by now.
See, the whole point of sugar alcohols is that they taste more-or-less like sugar, and they’re made out of sugar, but you can’t digest them, so you don’t get calories from them.
You know what happens when you eat things you can’t digest? But that your body kind of recognizes as “maybe possibly food?” It goes ahead and tries to digest them. And, in the process, it makes a whole lot of gas.
If you eat too much of them, like, if you’re experimenting with trying to work out how to use them, sugar-free sweeteners make you fart. A lot. And particularly horribly.
Comes a point where I find it futile to try to deny it, so I just own and brag on it.
As the fella who dealt it
I’m sorry you smelt it
After having had gastric bypass surgery (lost 250 lbs in the last 2+ years, thank you, thank you), I can tell you that the 8 feet of intestines they take out and toss must have something to do with at least partially de-smelling your gas, because mine is now…lethal.
I’m surprised I haven’t been arrested for crop dusting in the store. I’m sure it’s caused the decay of at least some of the fruit in the produce aisle. Not to mention some severe seizure-like symptoms in some of the other shoppers. Oy-vey!
I once passed gas while my daughter was laying on me. It was so rank I pushed her off me and told her to save herself. It was awful lol
I just saw a picture of two guys in an elevator.
The first one says: “Did you just fart?”
The second one replies: “Of course I did! Or do you think I smell like that all the time?”